Wabi Sabi Mom

I just read an article on Wabi Sabi. It is a Japanese term used to describe beauty in imperfection. The article really resonated with me...for a lot of reasons. It talked about slowing down and appreciating who you are, and really loving that moment in your life. Our culture is youth obsessed, and I admit that I sometimes find myself playing that game. Even though I just turned 30, it was definitely one of those birthdays that caused me to pause and reflect. Over the past year so much has happened in our life as a family, and for me as a mother, daughter and friend that I have finally had time to really sit down and think about it all. When I look back on the past five years, well, my head starts to spin. I think Wabi Sabi is the perfect way to sum up the conclusions that I have drawn during these reflections.

First comes vanity. I have noticed little wrinkles around my eyes, and now I have to come to terms with what I used to always say to other women when they talked about wrinkles "they mean that you laugh a lot, smile a lot, love a lot and have lived!" "Be grateful"! Ahhh, easier said than done when you are staring those lines in the mirror, my sweet and younger self. I no longer can get away with wearing the clothes I used to, partly because I have had two babies and because I am 30! There are certain trends that are better left to the 20 somethings (lower 20 somethings). These are all things that have shown themselves within the last couple of years, but turning 30 forced me to really recognize them. I guess it happens to everyone, and I should take my own stinking advice and just be grateful I made it to 30, right? I love the 30 year old Erin though! The 20 something Erin never left the house without makeup, FULL makeup, hair done (unless I was wearing a ballcap). 20 something Erin complained about her body. I have come into this whole beauty in imperfection thing quite well I think! 30 year old Erin hardly wears any makeup now, not because I made some choice to do so, but I am finally comfortable in letting the world see me. I don't know what I was hiding under all that goop on my face, but I was hiding nonetheless. Gone is the fear in what someone might think, it isn't that I don't care, but I really like what I see on my face (most days). 30 year old Erin is chunkier than the younger one, but getting healthier! Turning 30 forced me to change some lifestyle choices and realize I wanted to set a good example for my kids. As a result, I have lost around 10 lbs (depends on the day) and am going to be training with a friend for a 1/2 marathon next fall. Something I swore I would never do, I mean, who runs if they have a choice not to? I don't entertain some fantasy that I will ever look the way I did back in those pre-Wabi Sabi days. That belongs to the woman that hadn't felt her very own flesh and blood growing and twirling inside of her, or stayed up all night with a sick and crying baby, face hot and sweaty with a fever. No, I definitely don't have any desire to be her. I just want to be a more fit and healthy, perhaps sassier version of this 30 year old mom.

The Wabi Sabi in my life is looking at those wrinkles, and while cringing just a bit, knowing that they reflect the beautiful and not so beautiful experiences that I am fortunate enough to remember.

Finding beauty in imperfection isn't always an easy task. It is hard when things aren't going the way you want them to, but there is always beauty in that moment. I have struggled with loss of friendships, huge personal changes, but I have come to a place finally, where I can appreciate them for what those changes meant for my life and my own growth. I have learned that I try to hang on way too long. I hang on to stuff, clothes, people, ideas, goals, clinging to them, praying, hoping they will change, or I will be able to incorporate them into my life again. From my size 26 jeans to momentos from my childhood, I have learned the art of letting go, I think. I still struggle with it, but I am getting better. This is a huge part of Wabi Sabi for me, because I think I have tried too long to make everything perfect for myself and the people around me. I realize now that the imperfect is beautiful, in my personal relationships and in myself. Somethings just don't work out, and that is okay! I will keep coming back to this one, I think I have a lot to learn regarding Wabi Sabi and it will be a continuous lesson for me. I have been a Ms. Fix It for my entire life, wanting everyone to be happy and make things right for people. I almost am breathing a sigh of relief as I have let that girl go! She was too uptight and so scared that something was going to go wrong. People are dissapointing, relationships can be dissapointing, and things just like relationships aren't meant to last forever sometimes. It is hard for a Ms. Fix It to admit when she just can't fix something, but I think she finally has. What I would have once found to be an imperfection in myself and others, well, now I recognize it isn't some much an imperfection, but more "just the way it is"...and that can be beautiful if I step away far enough and just breathe.